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TEXTUALLY TRANSMITTED EMBARRASSMENT

By Lisa Spurgin ⋅ March 21, 2008 ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

For years we’ve been helpfully informed by health experts about the various dangers posed by mobile phones but now it seems that something a lot less hi-tech and much more mundane is causing chaos amongst the nation’s texters – the humble street lamppost. As unbelievable as it sounds, 6.6 million texting related accidents have occurred on Britain’s streets with people crashing into lampposts, telephone masts and even the occasional bin. The pitfalls of simultaneous walking and texting have got so out of control that London’s Brick Lane has become a ‘Safe Text’ (nice pun) area, equipping its lampposts with lovely soft padding so that those people who perhaps have had their brains fried by radiation, leaving them oblivious to the world around them, can continue happily texting away. Really, it’s surprising that if you’re that addicted to texting your thumb hasn’t become fused to the keypad (now that would hurt). If safe text streets become a nicely cushioned hit with Londoners then we can expect to see them recreated here in Liverpool, though may I suggest that if it happens any time soon it’s not just the lampposts that need kitting out – there’ll be call for plenty of reinforcement for the road works you encounter every five yards or so, perhaps some especially bouncy crash mats to cover those gaping holes.

The crucial thing is, while you might save yourself a few fractured fingers, no amount of padding will block out the sniggers and points of passers-by witnessing your fate. And that’s just it – most of the technological mishaps we encounter day to day aren’t really about physical pain but instead sheer social awkwardness, when disappearing down some vast gap in the pavement would be preferable. Take for instance the old standard – the drunken text. There really should be a rule that when you’ve had so many drinks, every mobile phone within a 3 mile radius should magically vanish until your inhibitions sufficiently return and you no longer have the urge to text random rubbish and your deepest darkest secrets to your entire phonebook. Then again most people on the receiving end would be lucky to decipher the gobbledegook they’ve been sent regardless of whether or not you turned on the predictive texting. Worse still are the times when you actually appear to be in full control of your senses but still manage to absent mindedly send out the most inappropriate text to a stranger or someone who really shouldn’t see it (kinky text to your nan – cue wanting to die of shame). Now the force of embarrassment can be felt on an even wider technological scale what with the unflattering pictures a ‘mate’ decides it would be fun to showcase on Facebook (probably snapped on a camera phone, needless to say) and the e-mails slagging off an annoying but obviously important person…funny how they always find their way back to person in question isn’t it? Somehow I don’t think they had this problem in the days of letter writing, unless of course you’ve seen Atonement. Now if someone could only invent something to shield us from texting related humiliation…until then maybe we’ll just have to take the padding off the lampposts and wrap ourselves in it while running away.