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WHAT THE BUS?!

By Matt Shaw ⋅ March 9, 2008 ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

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Forgive my snobbishness, but is it just me or is a bus just a nicer name for a ‘peasant-mobile’?

I’m all for public transport and saving the environment etc. but surely it just can’t be me who despises these things? As it would seem that anyone who is ANYONE that can get from a to b in another way, will do so.

Firstly, the driver. I have no problems with the drivers of buses, but when it gets to the stage where they don’t understand the words ‘single please’, what is the world coming to? I don’t know whether the bus driver was foreign or just too deeply scouse to understand any other form of English, but I’m almost sure the response I got was something along the lines of ‘Que?’

Ok, so I’ve finally got my ticket (after the driver quabbling over accepting a £5 note), time to sit down… oh no wait, this is an 80a bus, which means it is just as popular as an 86 bus, but only single decker. Looks like someone will be standing for a while!

Next stop, a seat becomes available near the front… do I sit down? I just KNOW I’m going to have to get back up again in 2 minutes when an old person gets on. Fuck it, I sit down.

Bastard, why is there always a random old Jamaican guy on the bus who insists on being the comedian and sharing his passing thoughts with everyone? I get a little embarrassed and it comes to a point where I simply can’t nod and mutter ‘heh heh yeah…’ any longer to humour him. Wait, yes! A seat has come available near the back, think I’ll investigate.

Hmm, there is a dirty, half-ripped up Metro lying there. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really want to touch it, I’ll just sort of knock it off with my sleeve rolled down. I would have liked to read it too, but not now, nooo thank you.

Then, as I’m sure you all know the story, the bus pulls up alongside 3 pikeys (or is ‘chavs’ the PC word nowadays?) and they get on. I can hear their mobile phones already, and they come to sit directly behind me.

Now why oh why 1) do these people seem to have an extra volume setting on their mobiles than anyone else? And 2) why do they ALWAYS insist on playing the shittest music in the world? Why do you never get on a bus to hear them playing a bit of Take That or Green Day, or the Beatles? I’m not saying they’re the best bands ever, but a lot better than the shit coming out of those chav-gadgets. God forbid they play some MJ or something, although somehow I couldn’t imagine some kid getting on a bus with ‘Heal The World’ blaring out from his mobile.

Almost time to get off at uni now, but not before another drugged up skinhead gets on and politely asks to sit next to me by saying ‘get there lad?’ I assume he was attempting to say something along the lines of ‘Excuse me sir, would it be possible for me to sit in that empty seat next to you please?’ but he doesn’t even wait for me to move over, and instead decides to clamber over me. Nice.

Thank God, I can see the community college. Now, do I wait to see if the driver stops at the zebra crossing, to give me chance to get to the front without falling into 17 people? Or shall I get up now? DING, oh, that’s nice, someone has already pressed the buzzer DING DING DING DING DING DING oh wait, no, the chavs behind me are just trying to impress each other. I run off the bus in the end, only sure to return in an hour’s time after I chop my 2 hour lecture short.

Maybe this is all just character building for when I’m older and I’m ready to face whatever challenges I meet in the real world. Maybe not.

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