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CRACKING THE MAN CODE

Living in a household of girls for the third year in a row now, I have encountered in my time many species of that beast we know as man. There is of course, the Pretty Faced but Pretty Stupid, the guy whose beautiful face is forever ruined by the permanent sound effect that echoes through your mind as you look at him (‘duuuuuhhhhh’). There is the rarer, but more troublesome On again Off again, who says ‘no’ but means ‘yes’; whose mixed messages will have you running for the hills in search for Pretty Faced but Pretty Stupid and his simple mind. Then of course we have the wildest of our species, a distant relative of Pretty Faced; Pretty Sexy but Pretty Mean (also known in some circles as Fit But Shit). Finally we have a rare but traumatic individual to encounter; the Disappearing Man. Where does he go? And why? But fear not ladies, these odd behaviours are not particular to one man, they are in fact dictated by the ‘man code’. More puzzling than it’s Da Vinci brother, the man code is ancient and all powerful, controlling male conduct entirely alien to us: it is a given, of course, that two men cannot go to the toilet together, and if one should leave the table to visit the bathroom, it would be entirely ‘gay’ for another to follow. It is also to be taken as certain that the man must drink from the largest drinking vessel available to him, the German beer stein being the optimum ‘man glass’. And, even in the most torrential rain, the man must get wet (an umbrella may occasionally sneak past the man code, but it must be a highly masculine model). Mess not with the primal code of man; lurking beneath the surface of your clean, preppy boyfriend is a cave-man. Best to leave him there.

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